And breathe

So far the week has been relatively quiet. The game is in its final testing phase at the client’s headquarters before it gets submitted to Nintendo; even if they find bugs now we won’t be allowed to fix them unless they are major enough to ruin someone’s game entirely. I have been working shorter hours and going to sleep at decent times. Tonight I even cleaned my apartment – finally – for the first time since my parents visited me, nearly a month ago now.

Shrew has come to its bittersweet conclusion, at long last. Bittersweet because while I will sorely miss both the people in the show and the fun experience of camping and performing Shakespeare in the woods, three shows a weekend for six weekends straight was simply way too much for any of us to handle.

Between the last few plays I’ve been in, I’ve managed to expand my social circle considerably. I am surrounded by wonderful friends who all seem to think I am worth spending time with, that I am a good actor and a good person and someone they want to keep in contact with. I don’t know what I ever said or did that merited their affection or admiration. I am often told that I have trouble accepting compliments and should think more highly of myself, but the truth is that I would I be afraid of getting caught in a lie if I did.

I know that as an actor I possess enough meagre talent and a hefty enough résumé to be in demand on occasion, but I also know that I’m nothing special or even remarkable… I have seen real talent and real skill – the kind that instantly humbles anyone with enough experience to recognize it – and know that I possess neither. I feel like every accolade I receive for a performance is awarded myopically, that I’m some kind of charlatan for presuming to be capable of doing something that I’m not, and that my job is really the only thing I’m good at and the only thing I’ve legitimately earned out here. It frightens me that I am a much better programmer than I am a performer, and maybe even a person. Bah. I so very badly want to be more than just my work.

Dan.

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